


You Always Want What You Can't Have

by TheRaven



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-18
Updated: 2014-04-18
Packaged: 2018-01-19 19:26:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1481218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRaven/pseuds/TheRaven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil has loved Captain America since he can remember.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Always Want What You Can't Have

It's no secret that Phil Coulson loves Captain America.

People have teased him about his obsession, though never very cruelly, because Coulson is not someone on whose bad side you want to be, and it's treated as an open secret that he's Captain America's biggest fanboy. But he has been since he was a child. It's just part of who he is at this point. S.H.I.E.L.D. agents just ignore his ramblings when he gets going, and no one seems overly bothered by it anyway.

He doesn't talk about Captain America in front of Steve, of course. That would be awkward and embarrassing for both of them. He also tries to be professional, difficult as it is, and if Steve notices a blush or a stammer every now and then, he doesn't say anything about it. He tries to consider them two separate people, the hero and the man, but it's kind of a lost cause. Steve is perfect, whether as Captain America or Steve Rogers, and Phil is helpless in the face of that perfection.

Phil nearly cried when he found out that Captain America had been recovered alive. They hadn't been sure at first whether he would survive being trapped in the ice, but as they thawed him out and saw normal vital signs, Phil became more and more excited. He had to restrain himself from going to see him immediately--it would be awkward and unprofessional, he told himself--but when he was assigned to manage the Avengers, it became impossible to avoid Steve. Not that he wanted to, but he was worried it would affect his ability to work effectively.

Because that was what most people didn't understand. He wasn't just obsessed with Captain America, he was in love with him. People would tease him all they wanted, but they never understood. Which was probably for the best. Phil is past the point where he's ashamed of his feelings, but he still doesn't want everyone knowing about it. Especially Steve.

Phil knows that having feelings for a team member is a big no-no. Even though Tony is with Pepper, who's practically a member of the team, and he's pretty sure Clint and Natasha are a thing, and hes also pretty sure Thor has at least offered to sleep with everyone on the team. It's just not right, especially because Phil is technically Steve's boss. The power imbalance alone makes him never want to admit his feelings.

Still, he holds out hope that one day, Steve will notice. It's a terrifying prospect, but some nights, the ache gets to be more than his fear, and he dreams about Steve telling him he knows, he's always known, he's just been waiting for the right time to say something. Sometimes, Steve doesn't return his affection in his dreams, but most of the time, it ends with a kiss. Nothing more, because Phil probably couldn't handle thinking about any more than that, but it still leaves him with a feeling that's gloomy and satisfied at the same time.

They find Bucky after an extensive search that takes them all around the world. Steve retrieves him personally, thinking he might surrender easier if he sees a familiar face. Well, “familiar.” None of them are sure how much he remembers. But Steve convinces him to come back and go into intensive therapy to recover his memory, and Phil is told to start preparing a place for Bucky on the Avengers. Steve stays with Bucky through his therapy, leaving his side only when he's in actual therapy sessions, and that's when Phil starts to get a sinking feeling.

But they're best friends, so it should be natural that Steve wants to make sure he's okay. That he insists when they finally decide he can do his therapy on an outpatient basis that Bucky stay on his floor of Stark Tower. Steve has to watch out for him, after all. He has to make sure that Bucky doesn't hurt himself or other people, and the easiest way to do so is to keep watch over him. Phil tells himself this every time he sees them together, Bucky uncertain of everything and Steve with this gentle smile Phil has never seen before.

Bucky is given a place on the Avengers, much to the public's ire. They do a press conference to talk about it, and Phil personally assures the public that Bucky will not be a threat to them. He's not sure he believes it, but it's better that the public think Bucky is fully recovered. He assures them that the team is keeping a close eye on him and that he has a top-notch psychiatric team looking after him, but that nothing so far has suggested that anything bad will happen. The public is satisfied, or at least people stop demanding that Bucky be tried as a terrorist, so Phil counts the conference a success.

The rumors start up as soon as Bucky starts going on missions. He and Steve fight together no matter what, which wouldn't be a problem except that the public has started to notice certain looks shared between them. The evidence comes in the form of shaky cell phone video and surveillance footage, neither of which show much, but it's enough. Especially because they're always together outside of missions, arm in arm and ignoring paparazzi as they walk from the car to the tower or wherever else they happen to be going. It's almost too obvious, really.

Phil hopes it's not what it looks like, but sure enough, a month after Bucky joins the Avengers, they're at a routine press conference when someone asks Bucky about his and Steve's relationship. The question is respectful enough, but it's unexpected, and the S.H.I.E.L.D. representative running the press conference starts to ask for another question.

“No, it's okay,” Bucky says, and Phil's heart sinks. “I'm not sure what the word for it is these days, but I can tell you that Steve and I are in a very happy relationship.”

Phil doesn't hear anything after that. The conference ends eventually, and he goes back to Stark Tower with the others. Nobody notices anything is wrong, which would be funny if it wasn't so depressing. He excuses himself as quickly as possible and takes a walk, trying to clear his head.

It's difficult, but eventually he acknowledges that Steve is his own person. He's obviously had a long history with Bucky, and they're happy together. Phil is still heartbroken, but above all else, he wants Steve to be happy. That's what he keeps repeating to himself: that Steve is happy, and that's what matters in the end.

Even if he's happy with someone who's not Phil.


End file.
